I don't want raise a snowflake
February 12, 2017 at 4:17 pm #86764
Not that I need a book to tell me how to raise my children, but all the material I have found out there only teaches a parent to raise a sensitive snowflake.
I want my children to have spines, think freely, fight for what is right, etc. They’re young, but I’m starting them early on calisthenics, hiking, shooting, throwing, wrestling, mental toughness etc.
For those of you who’ve have raised young ones, what has and hasn’t worked? I understand the wisdom of learning from other people’s experience, but I’ve got my grains of salt ready.
February 12, 2017 at 4:25 pm #86765grammaParticipant
Responsibilities that contribute to the family welfare – age appropriate jobs – that they are expected to do, sans pay. Then additional jobs for pay. This is where they learn they have value.
Gently guiding them into what a job “well done” is… versus simply working “at” something. This is how they learn self-respect.
It’s way more complicated than that, when you’re dealing with societal brainwashing, but that’s going to involve a dialogue between you and the child over years & years.
February 12, 2017 at 4:29 pm #86766hellokittyParticipant
One of many things-
I taught my boys that no matter what you defend your family. Blood trumps friends. I enforced it. Example: whole family was at youngest brothers (5yo) soccer game. The older two brothers were playing with others kids during game. The middle brother (6yo) came to us covered in mud and upset. The oldest (9yo) was with him. I asked the oldest what happened. He said another older kid pushed him down into the mud. I asked him, did you beat his ass? He said no. I said your grounded for a week and I am going to whip your ass when we get home. And I did.
He might get beat up defending his brother but it will be a hell of a lot better than what my dad will do to me. You always defend your blood. My boys always had each other’s back.
HEAT 1(CTT) X 3
HEAT 2 (CP) X1
February 12, 2017 at 4:54 pm #86767JohnnyMacParticipant
My wife is a school psychologist. We have many conversations about childhood development. We generally both agree that grit is the most important factor for success. There are lots of scholarly works on grit.
February 12, 2017 at 5:01 pm #86768BrigandActualParticipant
I’m working this one out myself. My oldest is not even two, yet.
To my mind, it’s not about “raising a snowflake,” as much as it is personally setting the example. It is entirely possible to teach respect, courtesy, and restraint while also demonstrating grit and hard work.
As I look back at my own childhood, some of the most valuable lessons I learned were those times when my parents allowed me to fail, and then encouraged me to work harder and overcome. That built confidence and perseverance. I think a lot of parents today would just jump right in before that moment and “fix the problem” before it affected their “snowflake’s” self esteem.
February 12, 2017 at 5:21 pm #86769RoadkillParticipant
Start them young. I had some people try to tell me this was too young.
February 12, 2017 at 6:24 pm #86770wheelseeParticipant
1) Hug them, daily, tell them you love them no matter what
2) When you’re wrong, tell them, and ask for their forgiveness.
3) Encourage them, constantly. Not unrealistically but honestly.
4) Involve them in your daily activities. Mine was cleaning MP5s at the age of 4, building her jungle gym at age 8 (even had her own tools, real ones), etc.
5) Did I mention tell them you love them??
6) Teach them broad lessons. My wife taught ours the female aspect, I taught the male. As a result, our daughter can wire an electrical circuit, plumb a bathroom, change a tire/oil, build a fence, pour concrete, cook dinner from scratch, wash and iron, clean a bathroom, etc.
6) Take them on trips, see the sites, explain the history.
7) Stretch their experiences. Take them white-water rafting (check state regs, i.e. TN and NC have state age minimums), mountain climbing, SCUBA diving (mine learned at age 14), horseback riding (even the stables at dude ranches), to living centers (Ozark Folk Center in AR).
8) Tell them you love them, daily
9) Let them know that you are their protection, that they can tell you ANYTHING without judgment.
10) Say ma’am, sir, please, thank you. Model it for them.
11) Make sure they understand that home is a safe place.
12) Read to them daily/nightly, until old enough to share the reading, then take turns.
13) Did I mention telling them you love them, daily??
Just off the top of my head……
February 12, 2017 at 7:05 pm #86771RobertParticipant
Unfortunately the “world” often molds our kids more than we do.
You have to control some of the influences on your children that are not good for them. Letting them watch whatever on TV, do whatever they want, etc. is a recipe for disaster.
Consistency. If something is wrong to do just at Grandma’s house but you look the other way when it happens at a friend’s house, that sends mixed signals. Above all you want to avoid sending mixed signals.
Further on consistency is not chasing waterfalls…. I’ve seen that so much in kids we have worked with in combatives and other youth type ministries. They are always “into” something for about a month then “into” something else. Chasing fads, trends, the cool thing to do, etc. is expensive for you as a parent, hard on the kid and of course teaches them not to stick with anything. I can’t tell you how many “1 month wonders” (kids and adults) I’ve taught in combatives that would mouth off about how they will be there “every night the doors are open” etc. etc. then in a short time you don’t see them any more. I always tried to teach my son that you stuck with crap, even and especially if it’s hard. Just today I was over at the range zeroing a rifle and had him work on firestarting. I gave him a little advice here and there and then went down to shoot. I watched him try and try in between shooting and before too long, he had a fire going with flint and steel.
You should teach them that giving up just isn’t an option. You always expect the best out of them but not in the crazy parent who yells at the referee type of way. We didn’t have to spank a whole lot when he was little, if you averaged it it was probably less than once a year, but it was always for disrespect or not doing something he was supposed to not for stupid stuff. Even later when he was used to fighting with kids bigger than him and even adults from combatives, a “spanking” still brought results because of the perceived separation and the feeling of letting us down.
Teach them to love learning and that are an integral part of the family, NOT that the “family” is all about them and them alone. The family is a team and you need to be a team player, Mom’s counting on you, I’m counting on you.
If you stop babying the hell out of them and start treating them like little adults, the right ones will usually start acting like little adults.
February 12, 2017 at 7:40 pm #86772DuaneHParticipant
1. Utilize the family centered socialization model and not the peer centered socialization model currently taught by popular society.
2. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in 1999 released a position statement in which they do not condone corporal punishment. The American Academy of Pediatrics adopted this.
The Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child” and “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child and the rod of correction will drive it far from him.”
One of these philosophies reared countless generations of children effectively. The other contributed to the Millennial generation.
February 12, 2017 at 8:32 pm #86773RoadkillParticipant
Notice it’s the rod of correction not the hand. The hand is the hand of blessing. Plus, the hand is to handy when your angry. Take the time to get the rod, whatever form of rod you choose, cool down, then administer discipline. Always explaining this is to drive away foolishness.
February 12, 2017 at 9:47 pm #86774MikeLParticipant
1. Stay married to your wife.
2. Demonstrate the character and ethics you want your child to possess.
3. Turn off the TV.
4. Go to church and practice your faith.
5. Get them away from public school. At a minimum send to catholic or Christian schools. Even better…homeschool.
6. Read this book. It is short. Don’t waste any more time. https://www.amazon.com/Successful-Fathers-Powerful-Childrens-Characters/dp/1889334375
7. Don’t make excuses why you can’t do the above. Your children are your responsibility and you will answer to God for how you raised them.
February 13, 2017 at 1:56 am #86775
Wow, thanks for the honest food for thought everyone!
I will read and digest, and try some out.
I understand that my kids will be influenced by so many others in life, but I just wanna play my part right.
(if anything else comes to mind, I’m all ears)
February 13, 2017 at 2:41 am #86776GroundworkParticipant
Besides everything said above, I would add:
1. Don’t be a helicopter parent. If your child forgets his homework at home, do not drive it to school for him. Don’t buy the poster board at 8pm for the project he remembered is due tomorrow. Don’t call his soccer coach and demand he play forward.
2. Make her do chores, not as punishment but as a responsible family member. Increase responsibilities/chores as she grows but also increase freedoms to grow her slowly into full adulthood.
3. Don’t be afraid to be known as the “mean parents”.
4. Do not spoil them. Don’t buy them everything they want. Give them an allowance and have them earn those must haves. Don’t buy them a car at 16. Make them earn it by working themselves.
5. As they enter teenage years, allow respectful dialogue regarding your rules.
Fact: 4 families raising their children. One families children were dirt poor, raised by a single mother, and didn’t so much as have a VCR when the other families children had CDs/DVDs/Xboxes etc.
Three families children were given cars at 16, and had money provided for four years of University – not simply community college. The poor children walked, rode buses, or biked to work at 16 to earn money for clothes, school supplies, and rarely a treat for themselves like a night at the movie.
Fast forward many years:
These children, now adults, are all cousins. All had parents who were divorced while they were very young.
All 3 poor children graduated from University with Masters Degrees having earned full scholarships. One is a chemical engineer, another an ER nurse, and the last a teacher.
Two of the children who were financially better off are my son and daughter. My daughter has been employed constantly since the age of 15. My son runs the A/R department of a multimillion dollar company. Yet, the college tuition money set aside for them from birth sits largely unused.
Another of the financially affluent cousins works part time after dropping out of college years ago. Her apartment, car, and majority of expenses are still paid for by her father.
The last cousin became a father while in high school, and dropped out of school with the girl, and out of contact with family.
Some food for thought.
Follow the posters’ above suggestions.
Let your children fail; it will teach them to succeed.
Let your children learn to solve their own problems. Guide them by asking, what do you think would work now, etc.
Let your children work to earn their first car.
May God bless you and guide you. Enjoy. It goes by in the blink of an eye.
February 13, 2017 at 4:49 am #86777Mike QParticipant
Don’t be afraid of what other people may think.
Funny story. My 4.5 year old pulled out a 6 foot tall stuffed bear, which promptly buried him in Costco one day. I had my back turned to him getting something across the aisle. All i hear is “daddy help me!” I turn around and proceed to laugh at him. He then starts to giggle himself. At that moment a helicopter parent, whom I’ve never met, starts to pull off the bear and yells at me to help my son. I told her to leave my child alone and let him get out of it himself. Look lady he got himself into that situation, let him get himself out.
Man I haven’t seen stink eye like that since I was a child! She left in a huff. Meanwhile my son got himself out from under the bear in about 15 seconds. Afterwards he says “that’s a big bear daddy!”.
At moments like this when either of my sons are randomly attacked by giant stuffed bears, fall off a bed while jumping on it, bounce off walls that just happen to jump out and tag them, etc. My wife and I always ask “now was that a good idea or bad idea”. We never coddle them unless they truly hurt themselves.
I must agree with other commenters. Do NOT be helicopter parents!
February 13, 2017 at 8:38 am #86778JohnnyMacParticipant
Wow! It seems like there are some awesome parents here!
February 13, 2017 at 9:44 am #86779SeanTKeymaster
Love them always and do your best to guide them, provide good examples and the best advice you can. Sometimes they will R.E.A.L.L.Y Tax your patience and sometimes it may seem that they are determined to crash and burn. Just don’t give up.
February 13, 2017 at 1:42 pm #86780trailmanParticipant
There is lots of good advice here. One I will add is don’t treat them like children in discussions. My wife an i pretty much talk about anything in front of them. Certain exceptions ;-). You’ll find they listen to everything, ask questions, and give you a chance to explain. Also, sit down to dinner every night.
February 13, 2017 at 2:41 pm #86781DuaneHParticipant
Choose your “experts” wisely.
Find mentors and role models that have successfully reared successful children and model your methods on theirs. (adapted appropriately)
DO NOT believe someone is an expert simply because they have titles, positions, degrees and initials.
I am getting ready to graduate with a master’s degree and I amazed at how stupid some “experts” are and how smart some people are who don’t have degrees.
My local gym owner knows more about people and social interactions than the PhDs that I know.
February 13, 2017 at 3:05 pm #86782
February 13, 2017 at 3:14 pm #86783CorvetteParticipant
Remember that you are the parent, not their friend. That comes later, in adulthood. I always treated mine like they were actual human beings, and listened to them and tried to fill in the gaps in their knowledge that the school didn’t teach, which was a lot.
February 13, 2017 at 4:45 pm #86784
February 13, 2017 at 4:52 pm #86785Joe (G.W.N.S.)Moderator
Experience is what you get immediately after you need it.
Worst thing about being a parent, by the time you get really good at it, they leave home!
February 13, 2017 at 5:10 pm #86786AndrewParticipant
About the time they hit Jr. High School be aware that their friends will have a lot of influence on them and yours will be diminished. So, lay the groundwork well when they are still little.
2 of my 4 played by the rules all the way into growing up. The other 2 had to go their own way (one of those “I know better than they do things).
After experiencing significant problems (no law breaking) the two that went astray saw the light and decided that maybe the old man wasn’t so stupid after all. One of them is now a kindergarten teacher working on her master’s and the other one is married to a good, solid guy, who happens to be a Marine. She is working and has started a charity that helps homeless veterans.
Foundation is the key imo.
February 13, 2017 at 7:28 pm #86787wheelseeParticipant
As noted, once they become teenagers it’s a whole nother game…… I made it easy for my daughter with her friends. She knew in advance that if she ever asked me to do something with her friends, in front of her friends, the answer would ALWAYS be no. This gave her an out. If she didn’t want to go or knew something I didn’t, she would asked me in front of her friends, all of them would hear the no, and she would just shrug her shoulders. I usually got a thank-you once we were in the truck.
If she DID want to do something, she would pull me aside and ask. The vast majority of the time was yes.
I can be an ass and have no problem ticking someone off. I told mine, “let me be the bad guy, I don’t care.”
Once driving, she also knew she could call me anytime, even 0300, and I would go pick her up, wherever she was – no questions asked, no discussion. Now, tomorrow we’re going to discuss, but not at the time. Only had to do that once and it was a matter of being in a bad place without her vehicle (she rode with “friends”).
February 14, 2017 at 10:12 am #86788
Some stories about what I may encounter when they get older can be intimidating, to include the ones about me and my siblings in our teenage years. I think this is where my parents grin and chuckle at me while they sit back and watch.
We’ve tried some things that haven’t worked as well as we expected, and right now are trying to just give them choices, and let him learn from the consequences. I’ve been telling my son more often that I love him, and even when he’s upset, he’ll respond in kind and sometimes give me a hug. I feel like it’s a foundation and a reminder for us both.
It may seem odd to some that I asked for some parental tips on an MVT forum, but I figured that your advice from first-hand experience may make a lot more sense to me.
As an observation: I don’t get why a group of kids (think birthday party) can be so insane. They… change.
February 14, 2017 at 12:33 pm #86789AndrewParticipant
A group of kids is a variation on the “pack” mentality. It is all about peer acceptance and approval. They are conforming to what they (not you) see as the norm. The only thing I know of that is more cruel, or dumb acting, than kids are submarine sailors.
February 14, 2017 at 1:50 pm #86790sjohnson1776Participant
I have two daughters, both now in their 30’s. Both well educated and grounded in reality. Both can shoot, and shoot well!
The one thing I can tell you that will pay dividends handsomely is: Be a living, breathing example of what you want them to be.
February 15, 2017 at 1:14 am #86791GroundworkParticipant
I think this is where my parents grin and chuckle at me while they sit back and watch.
Oh yeah, our parents love getting “payback”.
…and even when he’s upset, he’ll respond in kind and sometimes give me a hug.
If he’s doing that, especially when upset, you’re on the yellow brick road and don’t need any advice from us.
February 15, 2017 at 1:25 pm #86792HiDesertRatParticipant
“Remember you are the parent, not their friend”.
Hit it out of the park on that one brother.
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